Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires

I realized a few days ago that I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I originally intended. WHOPS! I am right around one more month to go, but I honestly haven't been keeping track! Which is a very good thing because I guess I see it as more of a good thing than something I can't wait to end.

These past few weeks have been a little tough, but I have also learned a TON. I have a new perspective that has been a complete blessing. However, I have been feeling a little lonely without the physical comfort of someone and I even told a friend the other night that I wish God could give us hugs! But then we came to the conclusion that if God was physically here, we wouldn't even want to get married and there would be no need for romantic relationships. It's hard having the desire to be taken care of or wanting to feel wanted and having someone that actually loves you back. The whole idea of having someone love you back is just amazing! Someone cares about you so much that they LOVE you. You matter soo much to a person. It's taken a long time for me to realize that God thinks all of those things of me. I have known these things for a while, but do I actually feel it? Do I truly believe it? Do I have the faith that God will take care of me and that I am worth enough that the all powerful creator the originator of love loves me? I have to remind myself everyday. "Jesus love me this I know.." (to go with my dorm theme).. no really. He does. And when someone loves another of course they will do anything they can to make sure that person is taken care of. How many girls need to hear that? So many girls come to OCC with the idea that they are going to get married in a year or two. With all the jokes like OCC Bridal College, or getting the MRS degree, or "ring by spring".. it's kind of hard not to think of falling in love and searching for the "one" all the time. But there is one. There is that love. God is that love and he is the only "one" who can take fully care of all of our needs. His word can comfort us and we have a relationship with him when we talk to him. We show love back when we serve or strive to be Christlike. Now that I think about it, we seem to have things backwards. We have all the love we need and we don't need to search for anything else. We shouldn't be struggling to love God and actively and easily fall in love with another, we already have God's love and he will bring that other love to us in His time.

It was a gorgeous night out last week and I felt a twinge in my heart when I realized I had no one to take a romantic walk with. So, I decided I would share it with God. He did, after all, make that night so beautiful and maybe he did it because he knew I would appreciate it. So I grabbed my iPod, put some acoustic guitar on repeat, bible in hand, I went over to a table outside and began to read the most romantic book I could think of. The Song of Solomon. It may seem cheesy and, yes, most of us probably don't really get what's going on in it, but I tried to look at it as what love should be like. Solomon and his lover were so poetic in describing their love for one another. The purity, the thankfulness, the joy in their love is something that I desire. They constantly say "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." How opposite that is from our culture's view of love today! We search for love and if we are attracted to someone we pursue it until it's ours. Kind of selfish don't ya think? It's like we don't think God can bring along that special person. We have to hunt it out for ourselves. I know that I want a love like the one described in Song of Solomon, so I'm not settling for anything less. If you haven't read it, try and read the book from the perspective of someone peeking at love letters. Letters of the right kind of love. It might change how you see things.

One more month honestly seems like forever sometimes, but what am I so antsy to get to? God MIGHT have that right relationship start at the end of my 60 days, but how do I know? I know I'm not settling until he gives me the right relationship so I know I'm not pursuing anyone. Realistically, I should be looking at this as a vacation. A vacation where I don't have to worry, even though I might, about boys. I shouldn't want this to end until I'm ready.

My God is a God who provides

Sooo... I'm new to this whole blog thing. I thought I'd give it a try because I figure what I'm trying to do with my life for the next 60 days (well 51 now) might help some other people out. As much as I'd like to blab aimlessly about my life and what's going on in it, I figured I'd make a theme at least until my 60 days are over. What am I doing for 60 days? I am NOT romantically pursuing a relationship.  Most of my life I've desired a relationship with God that was totally on fire with passion and reverence. A relationship that without a doubt puts God as number one and nothing beside that relationship and becoming more like Christ matters more. (Okay, well things like world hunger, the water crisis, homelessness and such are very important, but I figure I can try and tackle those issues once I prepare myself by going through my 60 day challenge) Fast forward from the spark of that desire to now, and you'll find me teetering with having God as my number one. Shocked? Get over it. If we're all completely honest with ourselves, I'm pretty sure we'll all find that there's always something that fights with God as our number one. For me, it's relationships. I've always worried about a certain relationship or wondered when Mr. Right was going to come rather than worrying about my relationship with God and when will I finally be his Ms. Right. So these 60 days are a challenge for me to focus on God and my relationship with him. No distractions with boys allowed. I guarantee I'll whine a little and stumble quite a bit (I'm not very graceful anyway) but I think it will be worth it.

Okay. So, "why do this challenge now?" you may ask. I'm fed up! Obviously, because I'm single, the way I've been doing the whole dating thing hasn't worked out for me too well. I know I'm only 20, but going to a bible college with couples and weddings everywhere isn't exactly the most pleasant place to be a party of one. I complain and complain to my mom all the time about relationships and she usually responds with "take a semester off" or "take ___days off". Two weekends ago it was 60 days. As I sat there in my living room watching yet another hopelessly romantic movie, I finally accepted. In addition to her challenge I decided to start a book she's been trying to get me to read. Maybe you've heard of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. Yep, most people hated it. But what can it hurt to give it a shot? So far I like it. It's given me a whole new perspective that seems like a no-brainer, but seriously most people never consider. Instead of me looking at men as perspective boyfriends (which I'm so guilty of and if you're a girl you probably are too!), I am going to see them as brothers in Christ and seeking ways to bless them rather than ways to date them. What right do I have to interfere with God's plan for a person by selfishly seeking a relationship or something other than a Godly relationship with them? This goes against our cultures game of "dating". Which is, after all, a game. So, how about I don't "date"? I'm going to seek deeper, meaningful, godly relationships rather than romantic ones. If romance springs out of a friendship, sweet. If not, that stinks, but it will happen in God's timing, not my own and I need to trust that.

Hopefully the whole 2 people that started reading this are still with me at this point.  Okay. So, now that I've further avoided studying for my Matthew test, I have explained my purpose and my new attitude towards men and dating. I hope you found this interesting enough to check up on every now and then. If not, then at least this is a way to document my experience and hopefully I don't feel like a total fool later on!